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Pre-2008 Posts

Apropos of Random Warm Fuzzies and Hilarity

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Before I begin (and possibly ruin your appetite), you should go to Amy’s Brain Today and allow your mouth to water over the delicious-looking vegetarian recipes she and Kya are trying, complete with photos. Dang. After I read about the Chilis Rellenos yesterday, I wanted to go to the grocery store and buy all the ingredients (even the Velveeta cheese!) and start cooking. I mean, just look at the photo of the quiche up there, lifted from Amy’s blog. Mmmmmm.

Moving on

What is it with feminists knitting and crocheting? Everybody over at Twisty’s knits or crochets, Amy regularly posts her latest triumph, all sorts of revolutionary, radical types regularly feature photos of their knitting and crocheting projects in their blogs.

I am very artsy-crafty. For years I made almost all of my daughters’ clothes, some of my sons’, and most of my own. And for years I made all sorts of stuff to decorate my house, to give as gifts, and for a while, to sell in a local Farmer’s Market. But for some reason I have never been able to get into either knitting or crocheting. I’ve tried! I raise sheep for fleece which takes me to yarn and spinning wheel stores every so often, and a couple of times I’ve stocked up on knitting needles, crochet hooks, patterns, yarn, intending to at last apply myself to knitting and crocheting. I just can’t do it. Well, I can do it, I just can’t sustain my interest long enough to actually make an entire item. The only crocheted thing I have ever finished was a small oval area rug I crocheted with a gigantic hook using scraps of fabric stitched together end to end for yards and yards. This was in, like, 1972. I have never once finished a knitted piece. I can’t get the tension right. I can’t get my fingers right. I’m too antsy. I think, “I’ve been doing this for 30 minutes and all I have is this gigantic string, I can’t stand it!” I raise sheep for wool, I have them sheared, I wash, card, and have dyed and felted the wool, I love the whole process and ultimately will become adept at spinning (which hasn’t happened so far for lack of time). But I will have to forward whatever yarn I spin on to those who can knit and crochet?

But, I’ve always been in awe of knitters and crocheters.

Anyway, having said all that, what I really want to get to is the hilarity part.

For a while now I’ve been meaning to post photos and excerpts from a knitting blog and a crocheting blog to which I am so indebted for literally hours and hours of therapeutic laughing myself silly until my sides ache and tears are running down my face. One is called What Not to Crochet, and one is called You Knit What?? Seriously, What the Hell Were You Thinking? I’m sad because I went to You Knit What and bloggers Punk Rock Knitter and Knitty Kitty have ceased blogging as of last August. Waaaaahhhh! They were consistently GREAT! Funny as heck, good writers, engaging. It’s interesting, their blog was very popular, drew a large number of regular commenters, and it was trolled as faithfully as political blogs are trolled. There are so many bent wieners on the internet.

Anyway, here is a sampling of the genius of Knitty Kitty and Punk Rock Knitter for your enjoyment. 🙂

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“Ways to Shill Your Crappy Yarn, Part 572 “

“Not selling enough yarn? Try tying pieces to the front of an otherwise inoffensive sweater!

I’m not sure what look they were going for here. Hairy chest? Fringed bib? I’m at a loss.”

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Worst Felted Bag Ever

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“Pantaloons. PANTALOONS, people!!!

“Eeeuw.

“You know how we feel about knitted skirts. Knitted Pantaloons??? So very very very VERY wrong. Ick. I need a shower.”

“Why a gauge swatch is a necessity:”

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“We all have something like this in our pasts, don’t we? From our young, cocky days of ‘Gauge swatch? I don’t need no stinkin’ gauge swatch!'”

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“Enough with the knitted bikinis, people! The good lord made spandex for a reason.

“I also just love the quote on this one. Fug unfolds on the light of understanding too, people. This is just a little too pretentious to NOT make rampant fun of. And why is she wearing a shawl with a bikini? And what does the bikini connect to? (head exploding)”

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“I hate you so much.

“It wasn’t enough that you had to make me this fucked up, ugly sweater. No, you had to take a picture of me in it and put in on the internet. Thinking other people would actually want to BUY IT.

“You should be glad you declawed me. Better sleep with the door closed.”

These are from “What Not to Crochet:” 😀

Under “Butt Ugly Purses:”

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I’ve seen some nice purses crocheted before but wow, this one is really so hideous! And whatever is on the front just screams “homemade” too…what are those? Compliments of Lionbrand free patterns of course! And appropriately named “Fun in the Sun Bag“…why fun in the sun? No idea! Does this look like a beach bag?

Under “Crochet-Buttons-Jewelry”:

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“No idea what to do with crochet anymore? Then add some buttons!! And not just a few… lots and lots of them so they dangle off your crochet and make what you could call a necklace! Beautiful idea… I’ll get right on that!

“I bet the cost of the buttons makes this a pretty expensive necklace actually… just how many buttons is that? About 100 or so??!!

“Wow, what a great example of being at a loss for what to crochet… this one really is pushing it when it comes to creativity… how hard is it to hang buttons off a string?”

octopushat.jpg“I thought I would delve a little into what’s called Freeform Crochet…which is basically just crocheting whatever the h*ll you want without a pattern and calling it art. Okay, I understand some of you may think this is indeed artistic but how can such a thing be functional and who the h*ll would wear it? On the runways maybe? Anywhere else? I doubt it! And if you don’t get what I’m saying, I’ve included a front, back and side view of this monstrosity…do you get it now? Good! Please…octopi don’t belong on our heads!! You’re even doing a disservice to the octopus…how embarassing for them to be confused for a hat!! How does anyone even confuse that idea? Oh, I know… Octopus…hmmmm, ya, let’s put it on my head…now how do I achieve that? Oh, I know, I’ll call it freeform crochet so people think it’s art…because you know, if I call it art, heck, they’ll never be the wiser!!

“Can you believe this thing sells for $599 US???”

****

Finally, warm fuzzies. I came across this photo on the blog of a cool radical woman and loved it:

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New Sockels

Heart

Discussion

14 thoughts on “Apropos of Random Warm Fuzzies and Hilarity

  1. Oh wow, I am howling! I will have to check those sites out. FTR, I can’t sew for shit, don’t have the patience. People always compliment my gauge and tension, but I think it’s just from being anal retentive. 🙂 Either that, or from knitting since I was about 5.

    And BTW, I would definitely not get the Velveeta. You could hurt someone with a log of “cheez” that size.
    🙂

    Posted by Amy's Brain Today | February 26, 2007, 10:21 pm
  2. Thanks for the good laugh! My Mom tried to teach me to crochet when I was little, but I never got past the chain stitch. No patience whatsoever, or my brain just didn’t work that way, or something. I can’t even imagine trying to knit, so goddess bless Amy and everyone else who can do it.

    Amy, I’m anxiously awaiting the lentil potato gratin casserole. I have (what I think are) all the ingredients; just need to know how to put it together.🙂

    Posted by Melissa | February 26, 2007, 10:58 pm
  3. Also check out.

    http://www.stitchymcyarnpants.com/moks06/

    for Kitschy Knits🙂

    And my favorite:

    http://www.subversivecrossstitch.com/

    I did the Mom tattoo for Mom and the curse signs for Aunt, and I need to do Happy Fucking Holidays for me, so when Conservatives start maundering on about the War on Christmas, I can have something to point to.

    I learned to knit fairly recently because I wanted a craft I could carry around since I was spending a lot of time in the hospital with Mom (she’s better, at least for now). It’s hard to haul around all the stuff you need for beading, but knitting is pretty portable. If I’m doing a basic stitch, I turn on the TV for background.

    Tension is a personal thing. You knit the way you knit. That’s what a gauge swatch is for, so that if you can’t get the gauge they call for in the pattern with the size needle they want, you just change the size of the needle until you hit the gauge.

    But there’s no rule you have to knit🙂

    It’s funny you bring this up, becuase I was about to post my encounter with a specialty yarn store, whose proprietress told me with dripping condescention and pity that THEY didn’t CARRY Lion Brand. No, apparently they only carry wool from unicorn hair spun by Tibetan nuns under a vow of silence. And they don’t put prices on it, because, I guess if you have to ask, you don’t deserve it.

    Posted by Miranda | February 26, 2007, 11:23 pm
  4. Did I not post the link to the recipe for the lentil thing? Sorry, it’s here. It doesn’t actually have potatoes, but don’t you think it should?

    Posted by Amy's Brain Today | February 27, 2007, 1:04 am
  5. Well, I got some great laughs over the knitted things. Especially the poor cat in the ill fitting sweater. But sorreee, you lost me completely at the word velveeta. Seriously folks, you need to read the ingredients on that package and ask yourself if you really want things that have names you cannot pronounce unless you are an organic chemist in your body. It was a coincidence, but last night we ate chile rellenos in this house, and they were an entirely different dish. The chiles involved were poblanos that we grew last year, roasted, peeled and stuffed with mexican farmer cheese, and then froze for future reference. To serve, we thaw them out on a cookie sheet, and then butter a shallow glass baking dish. Arrange the chilis in the dish. Separate a couple or three eggs. Beat the whites until stiff, beat the yolks until light and pale yellow. Fold the yolks into the whites, pour over the chilis and bake at 350 degrees for half an hour or until the top is nice and brown and all the chees is melted. Serve with salsa and fresh avocado. Velveeta, indeed.

    Posted by healingmagichands | February 27, 2007, 2:05 am
  6. Hee!! Thanks, Heart, I needed that! Those knitting snark blogs are great! And what makes me laugh even more about them is that some of the things they make fun of are things I would totally wear at Fest!!😀 Those pantaloons, for instance – if they were a little looser and a different color…

    Miranda, your unicorn yarn thing made me laugh, too!!

    I love knitting while I watch DVDs, but I can only make things that are square or rectangular, e.g. scarves or little towels. Last winter I tried to make a poncho and messed it up and had to unravel it and start over, 5 times in a row. By then I was so pissed off that I threw the thing at the wall, left it there, and went and bought a $6 poncho on clearance sale at the local department store.

    Heart, I hope the spinning goes well! I would love to learn someday…

    OH, and I almost forgot – I wear an ugly knitted hat on a regular basis now, because it was a gift from a woman dear to me, handmade by one of her family members. It’s like an acryllic helmet with a huge pom-pom. Or sometimes it feels like wearing a toilet paper cozy on my head. And now that I’ve cut my hair chin-length, it makes it even better – I have two little hair “wings” that stick out from underneath my toilet paper cozy. And it’s cream-colored, to match my black winter jacket.

    Posted by britta | February 27, 2007, 2:30 am
  7. That is really some very nasty stuff to do to yarn.
    Not surprisingly, the cat does NOT seem overjoyed.

    Posted by stormy | February 27, 2007, 11:12 am
  8. I guess Velveeta is the Red Heart of cheeses.
    I confess to having made a hat involving novelty yarn (with little ribbony bits hanging off) alternating with plain blue, but it was winter in Massachusetts at the time, which I find excuses many things.

    Posted by Ledasmom | February 27, 2007, 1:45 pm
  9. Amy, no need to apologize! You had mentioned a lentil-potato casserole in passing in another post and it sounded good. The red lentil recipe looks good, too, but I think I’ll just wing it and make something with the potatoes in it. Yes, it needs potatoes!

    Posted by Melissa | February 27, 2007, 3:06 pm
  10. Hey, if we didn’t have “free form” some of us wouldn’t be able to knit at all! :p

    Though I admit the price, $599.99 is somewhat steep.

    **Deepest apologies to Sister Mary Cornelia, who tried to keep my knitting in the right direction.**

    Posted by Radfem | February 27, 2007, 4:41 pm
  11. Yeah, Melissa, I think I was just going to add potatoes to that recipe, because it seems weird without a little more bulk.

    Posted by Amy's Brain Today | February 27, 2007, 5:18 pm
  12. Britta, heck yeah, re wearing some of that stuff to Fest! Obviously the knitting/crocheting snarky women haven’t been there, or they’d have taken it into consideration. 🙂

    And yeah, re the sentimental knittings and crochetings we wear. A young woman dear to me knitted neck scarves for my whole family some years back. They grew and grew. 🙂 And are still treasured.

    Hey, Ledasmom, the snarky knitter women don’t like the danglies you’re describing, but I actually do like them most of the time. I really like textury, nubby, earthy-looking stuff, any time, and yeah, Radfem, what’s a little free form between friends. 🙂

    magichealinghands, mmmmmm re your recipe. And yeah, re Velveeta, hee hee. I remember eating that as a little girl in the 50s, early 60s at school for lunch. There was always a fat stick of it with a bowl of chili and a cinnamon roll. It is all kinds of plastic and chemicals but I loved it, and found it rather charming to think about Amy and Kya — two more revolutionary women would be *very* hard to find — using it! Hee hee. Made me smile. 🙂

    I went to a friend’s house (Heather’s!) last night after work, and she cooked dinner. DANG it was good. I am a vegetarian and have good veg recipes, but she is vegan and has been for forever and has great vegan experience and recipes. She made tofu stroganoff which was DELISH (always surprising to me to find a dish like this since I rarely like tofu), lots and lots of sauted garlic, which I love, kale, and amazing chocolate chip cookies, totally vegan. And sent me home with vegan parmesan muffins.

    Posted by womensspace | February 27, 2007, 5:36 pm
  13. My mother taught me how to crochet… she started when I was 6 years old and it was a lifelong tie for the two of us. I really enjoy, when I’m in the mood, sitting and rocking and having row after row of some creation or another flow off the hook. I don’t do it at all if the mood isn’t upon me, as I’ve learned over the decades that to force it is to most likely end up spending time tearing out lots of stitches! And, just like my mother, I give away everything that I make. I’m currently making an afghan for my sister, one that will color coordinate with her new furniture.🙂

    That said, I have never made a sweater for one of my cats. I don’t think they’d appreciate it at all and they’re the sweetest cats I know.

    And I know, Velveeta is evil in many ways but… …sigh… okay, I’m a when-the-mood-strikes Velveeta eater. Must be from my childhood, but nothing tastes better on a grilled cheese sandwich than Velveeta. And Velveeta with grilled onions on top of a burger…

    Is it time for dinner yet?

    Posted by JJ | February 27, 2007, 10:56 pm
  14. I LOVE the pantaloons!! They are BEAUTIFUL..though I do have eccentric taste😉

    Posted by jo | February 27, 2007, 11:17 pm

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