Before I begin (and possibly ruin your appetite), you should go to Amy’s Brain Today and allow your mouth to water over the delicious-looking vegetarian recipes she and Kya are trying, complete with photos. Dang. After I read about the Chilis Rellenos yesterday, I wanted to go to the grocery store and buy all the ingredients (even the Velveeta cheese!) and start cooking. I mean, just look at the photo of the quiche up there, lifted from Amy’s blog. Mmmmmm.
What is it with feminists knitting and crocheting? Everybody over at Twisty’s knits or crochets, Amy regularly posts her latest triumph, all sorts of revolutionary, radical types regularly feature photos of their knitting and crocheting projects in their blogs.
I am very artsy-crafty. For years I made almost all of my daughters’ clothes, some of my sons’, and most of my own. And for years I made all sorts of stuff to decorate my house, to give as gifts, and for a while, to sell in a local Farmer’s Market. But for some reason I have never been able to get into either knitting or crocheting. I’ve tried! I raise sheep for fleece which takes me to yarn and spinning wheel stores every so often, and a couple of times I’ve stocked up on knitting needles, crochet hooks, patterns, yarn, intending to at last apply myself to knitting and crocheting. I just can’t do it. Well, I can do it, I just can’t sustain my interest long enough to actually make an entire item. The only crocheted thing I have ever finished was a small oval area rug I crocheted with a gigantic hook using scraps of fabric stitched together end to end for yards and yards. This was in, like, 1972. I have never once finished a knitted piece. I can’t get the tension right. I can’t get my fingers right. I’m too antsy. I think, “I’ve been doing this for 30 minutes and all I have is this gigantic string, I can’t stand it!” I raise sheep for wool, I have them sheared, I wash, card, and have dyed and felted the wool, I love the whole process and ultimately will become adept at spinning (which hasn’t happened so far for lack of time). But I will have to forward whatever yarn I spin on to those who can knit and crochet?
But, I’ve always been in awe of knitters and crocheters.
Anyway, having said all that, what I really want to get to is the hilarity part.
For a while now I’ve been meaning to post photos and excerpts from a knitting blog and a crocheting blog to which I am so indebted for literally hours and hours of therapeutic laughing myself silly until my sides ache and tears are running down my face. One is called What Not to Crochet, and one is called You Knit What?? Seriously, What the Hell Were You Thinking? I’m sad because I went to You Knit What and bloggers Punk Rock Knitter and Knitty Kitty have ceased blogging as of last August. Waaaaahhhh! They were consistently GREAT! Funny as heck, good writers, engaging. It’s interesting, their blog was very popular, drew a large number of regular commenters, and it was trolled as faithfully as political blogs are trolled. There are so many bent wieners on the internet.
Anyway, here is a sampling of the genius of Knitty Kitty and Punk Rock Knitter for your enjoyment. 🙂
“Not selling enough yarn? Try tying pieces to the front of an otherwise inoffensive sweater!
I’m not sure what look they were going for here. Hairy chest? Fringed bib? I’m at a loss.”
“Pantaloons. PANTALOONS, people!!!
“You know how we feel about knitted skirts. Knitted Pantaloons??? So very very very VERY wrong. Ick. I need a shower.”
“Why a gauge swatch is a necessity:”
“We all have something like this in our pasts, don’t we? From our young, cocky days of ‘Gauge swatch? I don’t need no stinkin’ gauge swatch!'”
“Enough with the knitted bikinis, people! The good lord made spandex for a reason.
“I also just love the quote on this one. Fug unfolds on the light of understanding too, people. This is just a little too pretentious to NOT make rampant fun of. And why is she wearing a shawl with a bikini? And what does the bikini connect to? (head exploding)”
“I hate you so much.
“It wasn’t enough that you had to make me this fucked up, ugly sweater. No, you had to take a picture of me in it and put in on the internet. Thinking other people would actually want to BUY IT.
“You should be glad you declawed me. Better sleep with the door closed.”
These are from “What Not to Crochet:” 😀
Under “Butt Ugly Purses:”
I’ve seen some nice purses crocheted before but wow, this one is really so hideous! And whatever is on the front just screams “homemade” too…what are those? Compliments of Lionbrand free patterns of course! And appropriately named “Fun in the Sun Bag“…why fun in the sun? No idea! Does this look like a beach bag?
“No idea what to do with crochet anymore? Then add some buttons!! And not just a few… lots and lots of them so they dangle off your crochet and make what you could call a necklace! Beautiful idea… I’ll get right on that!
“I bet the cost of the buttons makes this a pretty expensive necklace actually… just how many buttons is that? About 100 or so??!!
“Wow, what a great example of being at a loss for what to crochet… this one really is pushing it when it comes to creativity… how hard is it to hang buttons off a string?”
“I thought I would delve a little into what’s called Freeform Crochet…which is basically just crocheting whatever the h*ll you want without a pattern and calling it art. Okay, I understand some of you may think this is indeed artistic but how can such a thing be functional and who the h*ll would wear it? On the runways maybe? Anywhere else? I doubt it! And if you don’t get what I’m saying, I’ve included a front, back and side view of this monstrosity…do you get it now? Good! Please…octopi don’t belong on our heads!! You’re even doing a disservice to the octopus…how embarassing for them to be confused for a hat!! How does anyone even confuse that idea? Oh, I know… Octopus…hmmmm, ya, let’s put it on my head…now how do I achieve that? Oh, I know, I’ll call it freeform crochet so people think it’s art…because you know, if I call it art, heck, they’ll never be the wiser!!
“Can you believe this thing sells for $599 US???”
Finally, warm fuzzies. I came across this photo on the blog of a cool radical woman and loved it: